all the summer sweats...

I live in a desert. I was raised in the gorgeous weather of southern California, so when my parents moved us to the dry desert many years ago, it was a huge shock! My nose bled randomly for  a year straight. My hair didn't curl the way it always had. My skin needed lotion everyday. It was HOT! The heat was so different than what I was used to. 

15 years later, things are different. The summers haven't gotten cooler, I guess I'm just a little more used to them (gag). I have gotten used to sweat everywhere. Not just my arm pits and forehead, but in between my lady chests, my fanny, my elbow pits, knee pits and back of my neck. Yeah. Its cute. 

So to say I LOVE spring time is an understatement. And fall is the same!

AND it is just around the corner!! Cute pants, adorable sweaters, scarfs, boots and NO SWEAT! I LOVE getting dressed in the fall! I LOVE my clothes!!

Im so excited to sit in my cozy home with all of my favorite blankets!! I am so excited for pumpkin!! Im so excited for the yummy smells of spice and pumpkin in my home instead of stinky body odor and chlorine! 

isn't it about time...

Just a quick thought today.

My oldest daughter sometimes looses her cool with her younger sisters. They adore her and want to play with her all the time!! But being a teenager, a lot of times barbies is the LAST thing she wants to play with. And listening to little girl talk isn't on her agenda for the day. 

But sometimes, her wise mama ;) tells her when she feels the most frustrated with her sisters, the best thing to do is spend a little time with them. But wait! Thats exactly whats she DOESN'T want! Obedient as she is, she pulls out the nail polish. Something she loves AND they love. She takes them individually and paints their nails...sometimes 10 different colors. And when she is finished, each girl walks away with happiness in their hearts. Happiness that she took time with them, and happiness that they are important to their big sister. 

The best part of it all is that SHE feels closer to them and happier. She feels like she has spent time with them and now they are off on their own. 

It is the same with me...being a mom. I feel like a better person and a happier person when I spend time with each of my children. Somedays I really need time away from all the demands my family has for me. But when I take just a little bit of time for them,  read them a story or listen to their dream they had or cuddle them while watching a 30 minute television show, they feel loved. And wanted. And I feel peace and satisfaction that I did good today. That my children love me. And that fills my cup to the brim. 

the mother i used be...

When I was 20, I delivered my first daughter. When she was placed in my arms I remember exactly  saying a prayer, 'Heavenly Father, I know this little one is going to make mistakes. I know she won't be perfectas she is today.  Please PLEASE let me have the courage to always be there for her. I promise I will help her. I promise I will do everything I can to get her back to thee."

And that was the very foundation of my mothering. 

These brand new perfect precious babies are here so new and sparkling. Fresh from Heaven. 

They will grow and learn and test us as their parents. 

But the very moment I held my very own baby, I vowed to except them the way they are, to HELP them and be the kind of parent they could trust and count on. I wanted them to know I knew they would make mistakes, but that they had ME to help get them out of their messes. Of course I would be disappointed...sad even. But, that they knew I was their special helper. And that I loved them so much. If they couldn't count on me...who were they suppose to count on?

When I took her home, I learned I am actually a strict, lay down the law mom who is also heavy on the cuddles and praise.  I don't know how, but I was kind of a good mom! I was doing a really good job I thought! And then my second baby girl came. With her, too, I was structured, good at discipline and setting boundaries and yet playful loving and kind and cuddly. I was at this time a single mother. I had gone through a gross marriage and divorce while pregnant with my second. I was doing things MY way ...with guidance from above. I was happy with it. My daughters always had clean hair. They always had a healthy meal and a full belly. They were potty trained like champions. I listened to everything they had to say...or at least they TRIED to say ;) I paid attention to their every need. I read them stories and taught them to count and their alphabet etc etc.  I would NEVER mutter a negative word or name in their direction. NEVER. They never went to bed dirty or hungry or alone. They knew who the boss was and obeyed so well. Especially my first.

And then I got married. I got pregnant with my third daughter. Having three babies threw me off! I found myself counting my kids all the time. I would carry one baby, hold the hand of another and have the third hold my purse strap. She was darling but she KNEW what she wanted in life. I found myself with a child who would test my patience...and a husband who gave her anything she wanted. UGH!  NO spoiled children for me!! I felt completely out numbered. My OCD was put to the test!! I didn't have as much time for my house. I found myself letting go of things that seemed so important at one time to me. I was spread thinner. So many people needed me and as much as I LOVED being a mom...it got really difficult. I HAD to let some things go. When I say my OCD was put to the test...I mean it!! I learned a LOT when baby three was born. And then baby 4 came. 

I knew she would be our last. We were 100% sure that four was the number for us :) With my ODC under wraps a bit, and with a couple years getting used to my not being in control of everything, I relished in her first few months with us! I adored that baby!! I was so happy!!! 

My parenting changed a LOT! It was really hard because it was my JOB. It was and is my main focus daily. And nightly ;) I read articles on subjects to hep me understand my children, to encourage my children and teach my children. BUT I wasn't the same mother I used to be. Sometimes we ate dinner late. I found myself letting my children kick and scream in a fit as I walked away. (There are only so many times you can try to calm that two year old before you realize they are making you crazy and you don't HAVE to watch that!) I realized I couldn't pay attention to EVERY fight my kids had and they actually had to figure it out on their own (gasp!). We were late for school sometimes. We pulled over for my kids to pee on the side of the road sometimes. I didn't always have them to bed on time, they wore braids in their hair a lot because guess what..I didn't have time to curl and perfect FOUR heads of hair. OH yeah...don't even think MINE would be getting done. 

There were even times when we would get home late from an outing that we would throw a blanket on top of their perfectly crisp clean WHITE ruffle comforters and lay our stinky sweaty dirty precious sleeping babies on it to sleep. WHAAAAAAT!? Who did I become??

I had become the parent everyone at some point becomes. 

I had let loose of what I used to be...which to this day sometimes makes me sad. Somedays I have major guilt that I am NOT the mother I used to be and that my children deserve better. 

I wish my fourth daughter didn't have to listen to talk about crushes and mean girls and bad dreams other sisters had at the age of 4. That she didn't have to hear screaming fights between sisters. It breaks my heart in half when I remember her huge blue eyes staring up at my husband and daughters when they were fighting. I don't know if I'll ever get that picture our of my head. 

But the truth is I CAN'T be the mom I used to be. I just can't. 

I still teach them to read and spend time with them and nurture them and discipline them but its different. I still praise them to the end of the world. But guess what. There are now SIX different personalities in my home. Four daughters sure brings a LOT of opinions and ideas and attitudes. Being the strong woman I am, with a strong sense of how a parents should be treated and how a child should behave, they know I am the queen of the house...BUT they still try to push that. As any normal child would. ;) 

I listen to a LOT of talk. but guess what...sometimes I am all talked out for the day and I send my girls to bed without having a long chat about their thoughts an feelings and concerns for the day (gasp again!). 

Honestly, the mother I WAS and thought I would be has been pushed around and sometimes put on a shelf. My reality is that yes, I am a great mom. I do my best EVERYDAY. I really do. BUT I also have to literally SHOO my children away so I can pee in peace. I loose my cool and literally go to my room (or my car) and hide from my family when they have all gone bananas and are screaming for me to solve their every problem!  I truly find myself excited some mornings when I walk in my door after dropping each child off at school. Because it is quiet. And peaceful. And I get to make it clean and stay in it for a couple hours like that!!

I LOVE the moments I have with my daughters. I love the conversations we have. I am so grateful that I am the most important person in their lives...as they are mine. I cherish our drives to school. The radio rarely gets turned on because that is our time to talk and build our relationships. 

Being a mother is the most glorious thing I have ever done...and I am thankful everyday for it. 

But I am learning it is okay to have changed and be different than when I started. And the mom I am now can't be too awful...because these are the people that love me the most...even through it all. 

                                                             

bedroom re-do...

Oh I have an obsession with  decorating my home. It makes my husband bananas.  Usually it's my daughters rooms that get the make over. So the majority of our home stays stable ;)  Sometimes a new pillow or two will spruce it up enough for me for awhile. But other times I see something of inspiration and I'm in a zone. A "thrifty way to re do my girls bedroom" zone. This time...it was my pals room for her daughters. She got some black washi tape and made the most adorable black plus signs on their wall. I WAS HOOKED!

Similar to this adorable ness I found on etsy.

Well the particular room I had in mind for this was already yellow green and soft coral/pink.

These colors. This quilt. That dresser. All precious items and colors but I had it for so long and I was ready for something a tiny bit edgier. Bolder even if you will. So I started out with this AMAZING piece of fabric one of my palies gave me....DARLING.

We covered the lamp shade in it. (drool)

So THEN I thought okay. I will TRY coral in a room again. I had it done before in my other daughters room with a large dresser... and two days later freaked and switched it to teal. (I LOVE that teal dresser.)

But THIS time I'll do it and LOVE it! I can make coral my friend!! Yeah no. I bought a lovely shade of salmon paint and went at it with one of my girls. It was too much, so I sanded it a bit. A couple days later my pal about beat me up when she saw I painted it to white. It just wasn't working! I LOVED the dreamy girly whimsical feeling I had when I went into their room before. And with that coral, it was gone. It was bold. It was bright. And it was too much for me.

So I invited another palie over... to share my frustrations with. I WANT color...but not too much. I don't feel like every piece of furniture needs to be a color even though that might be the cutest thing to do and the trend. I just can't do it :( So with EVERYTHING white except a very light mint dresser, she suggested to make the handles on the dresser black. That the black and white polka dotted pillow cases my daughter made and the new floral blue pillows she made and black knobs would be enough edge and yet still keep the room soft. Hey guess what? I LOVED it!

Oh my goodness I LOVED it!! I loved it so much I did it to their desk too!

And then I wanted something really cutesy and boutique like for above their desk...so I went to the fabric spot with the tiniest scrap of that darling fabric left and bought this...

and then made this...

the dreamy little girls room that I was hoping would be airy and clean and yet have a tiny bit of edge was created. 

and yes...thats a pirate eye patch on my daughters cuddly Koala.

birthday blues...

Soooooo someone is having a birthday right quick...it's me. Well I'm real sure there are also other people having birthdays soon, as well, but this birthday of mine has really got me singing the blues. 

Like leanne Rimes, the blues. Loooong howling notes. Deep depressing tones. Cracked voice and all.

This one is kind of a big one for me. I guess its a birthday that snuck up on me and surprised me with a LOT more lines on my face and a need for more exercise. Yuck. 

21 was fine. 25 was great! I loved that year! Well, most of that year. I had been looking forward to 30 for 10 years! I was looking forward to people seeing me as a real life adult! To look at me with my children and think, "oh yes. She DOES look like she's old enough to have children." 

But THIS birthday means....well, its means I AM that adult. I am truly truly a grown woman. Like not, "Oh honey I am a woman!" But like, "Sweetheart go ask that woman to move her cart."  Ew. 

I was once 30. Then I was early 30's. Now I am FULL BLOWN in my 30's. (big eyes here!)

 I am in the category my mom is in. (NO offense mom.)  (at all) 

But like hello. I need a MAMMOGRAM, folks. A MAMMOGRAM!! My MOM gets those! And night cream? Yes. Night cream is a necessity! Oh and don't think I don't see my mother with almost every single movement I make. Its actually not funny at all. (again...no offense mom.) 

My daughter and I went shopping for a pair of sunglasses the other day. I want some that were tinted greenish. I asked if I was too old for that. She said no way. Weeeell, the only sunnies that color were in the shape of hearts. HEARTS! How cute. But hey guess what. If I had seen those 6 months ago I would have been extatic! BUT, I didn't. I saw them  now. So, I asked again if they were to young for me...she flipped a lid! She thought they were so cute and told me I HAD to buy them! So...I did. 

And they are really cute. 

And I feel like I'm 24. 

I dont like it that much.

But I really like the shades. 

I feel like all my silliness and quirky ways have to...grow up :( I feel like maybe will people look at my like a spaz if I'm still riding my beach cruiser around the neighborhood? What about those cute booties I want to buy...am I too old for those? Should  I stop skipping with my first grader because I'm too old for that? Do you see what I'm saying?? I want to be ME. I want to have respect and I want to be happy. I want to act my age but I don't want to give up the silly fun freedoms that come with just being ME. Oh the struggle. 

My love asked me today, "what do you want to do for your birthday?"

First I thought, ew. You should have a great day planned for me already...hello! its my birthday! ;) 

But instead I said sleep. Because maybe if I slept through the day...I could pretend it didn't happen. (I'm so clever and outwitted the birthday!) Then I could stay my current age forever!! Yay!! 

No yay. 
That won't happen.

Because see the worst part, well the second worst part because the first very worst part about this birthday is the actual day itself, is that I LOVE birthdays!! I LOVE them! Mine usually somehow lasts about a week! Sometimes a lunch day with one pal one day and then a manicure another day with my mama  and maybe a friend dinner night  and then a date with just my hubby and then a day with my children...somehow its a grande celebration more than one day! :) ( yay for me!)  There is ALWAYS a scrumptious angel food cake!! And I usually wear my fave outfit and do my make up real good!  One time I had a great surprise roller skating party with my friends and kids! And we have fun gifts (one  year I got a new bike!). And i send my mama flowers...because she's a her birthday, too!  I love birthdays!! 

I used to be so excited to say I am THIS many years old!! I earned those years!!I Learned so many things and built my character so much! 

 So this year is kinda like a big pooh just fell on my special day. Gross.

Reality is I really don't know what to do. Reality is also hey Teresa, get over it. Its coming wether you want it to or not. Im gunna have the day. It will be here very soon. And there is NO hiding from it. I don't exactly know what I'm going to think once the day gets here...and once it has passed. But its coming. Ready or not. 

And I mean, at least its not my 40th yet...right? 

No offense. 

confessions of a self controlled shop-aholic...

true story. 

i'm sue i'm not alone in this one. now let me start off by saying

I LOVE TO SHOP.

my favorite: grocery shopping.

second fave: clothes...duh.

then linens.

and stuff for my kids bedrooms.

Then decor for my living room.

then kitchen stuffs. OH how I love a new spatula.

But lemme say...as much as I LOVE to shop...I have SO much self control! My husband might not think so, but he hasn't ever shopped with other women before. ;)

If I had a dollar for every time I went shopping and DIDNT buy stuff...I would be rich!!
When I go shopping for things I need, I most always have a list.
And I ALWAYS have a budget. (yuck)

The worst for me is Target. Walking inn those doors fully knowing there will be DARLING thank you cards staring me straight in the eye, and gobs of bathing suits practically reaching out for me!! Walking the isles and seeing purses...ooooh the purses. They are my kryptonite. Making my rounds I ignore the shoes for my girls, the seasonal goodies (halloween tempts me almost every time!), I drool over the bright colored dishes and then the books! heart be still. I wish i could buy every book for my girls! I look the other way only to see the highly over lit make up area...RUN! but but but don;t I NEED a new finger nail polish?! Or that YES to carrots hand wipes?? OH! They have my fave Elf tweezers again!! No. Nope. Keep walking, Tree. You gotta get past this. And guess what? I DO. I walk right past it...unless it's on my list (note to self...put nail polish on my list every time ;).

I walk past the treats. I walk to the register rubber necking the girls clothing area...making my feet march out of there!  Check out, pay the lady and walk away smelling the fresh (disgusting) popcorn my kids beg me to get every time...and sometimes I give in. Geeeeeeeeze! thats THE WORST. 

 Other rough spots for me- a little boutique called Blue Linen. Then TjMaxx. And don't even ask how I keep myself from buying every watch at fossil and EVERY hand bag at Bohme. I really don't know how I do it ;). 

BUT, I will say this. If I see something I love but I JUST can't figure out how to fit in in my budget, I sleep on it. Seriously. If I wake up so mad that I didn't buy it the day before and scared to pieces that someone else might get it first (gasp!!) Like the photo says...NOTHING haunts this girl more than the things I didn't buy! I rush my fanny to the store and buy it! :) My husband doesn't like that part. At all. But I just can't live without it!! 

Bottom line, I feel like I should earn a medal. Truly. My gal pals tease that has it easy! that my babe wouldn't believe the amount  of things they buy and I don't. ;) So, my darling...I am such a good girl.

And I totally have self control. Until I just simply can't ;) 

-XOXO

mac and cheese...

okaaaaaaay! 

 This is the BEST mac and cheese I have ever made!! Like I have said before, I have practiced and played around for YEARS with my family for the BEST mac and cheese recipe. Lets just say my family LOVES it!!

I start with butter. 4 tablespoons. Melt it.

Then add 1 1/4 cups of whole milk. 

(if you feel its a little to thick you can add 1/4 cup of milk more...we like it thick!)

Add 4 tablespoons of flour. 

Whisk these beauties together.

Then add the cheese! I put 2 cups of cheese in right here. I have done all cheddar (FAVE!!!)

and i have done the fiesta mix or whatever that you can buy at costco and thats amazing, too. I have also tried half fiesta mix and half gouda...my family was half and half with this. I thought it tasted watered down (??) 

 Then add 1/2 a teaspoon of salt. Mix this up and add your macaroni. 

I usually use two boxes of Wild Oats organic penne and it is coated well :)

I add pepper after and duuuuuude. Its delicious!

Please let me know if you try this!!