long hair don't care...

Wait. Yes we do.

Listen, long hair is a big deal in my family. Long hair means beauty. It just does. I think other girls are GORGEOUS with shirt hair and sometimes I want my hair that way...but I know what I will think of ME if I do that...and it always comes back to what I was raised with.

I once ONCE cut my hair short...that cute A line cut. Yeah, I saw the disapproving look in my dads face the SECOND he saw me. Let me just say I even called him ahead of time and said I needed him to pretend like he loved it...because it was such a huge thing for me to do. Thankfully he didn't sell me to the circus, and thankfully it grew out.

Well, my daughters all have long hair, as well. Some is longer than others, and some so thicker than others. But it is ALL long.

As much as we LOOOOVE this, there are a few things that come with long hair that we would LOVE to never experience. The first is the after shower brushing. Guys, I could be a millionaire if I got paid for every time i brushed a head of hair. The tangles are enough to make my second daughter want to shave her head every other week. THEY ARE AWEFUL.
Product. We go through enormous amounts of conditioner, shampoo, hairspray, heat protectant etc etc. Time. The amount of time we spend...okay mostly time I spend, braiding curling pinning wrapping (upside down and backward) twisting straightening and smoothing is outrageous. And TOTALLY needed. Because hair that pretty isn't allowed to just BE. It must BE DONE.

But THIS is the very worst part. The clean up. So we shed a certain amount of hairs per day, right? Yes. These hairs usually end up on the back of a shirt that we tenderly pull off or in our car  but mostly on our carpet. And what do we do when our carpets are messy? WE vacuum them. All the dirt and dust and crumbs and hairs get slurped up. And a few weeks will go by and I notice this...

This is our vacuum that has been over taken by the amount of hair in our house! Hair is wrapped around the spinner so much that the brush bristles are barley showing! So, a handy pair of scissors and my daughter who was pretending to be a puppy at that time helped me cut that junk off! I have synths before but THIS time was the most ever. 

Do you think Locks of Love would take this donation ;)

serious amounts of  hair. I won't ruin your day by showing you the mess we pulled from our then clogging shower drains. (ew)

We have taught the girls that when shampooing their hair they came kinda pull the hairs gently out. They WANT to come out and probably already have, they just are waiting to drop. So when we rinse our hair we can grab them, and place them on the side of the shower until we get out and throw them in the garbage. Sometimes it happens. Mostly it doesn't. And the daddy (poor daddy) unclogs the drains for us. 

So um, yeah. We LOVE long hair...but it DEFIANTLY comes with a downside. ;)

dont forget about me...

My Friday thoughts last week were pretty intense. I was sure last week was going to take me prisoner. As I drove away from a morning of complete peace and MUCH needed quiet alone time for myself by myself completely, I wrote down things thoughts and feelings. 

I have so many emotions going through my heart and my mind and my soul I figured this would be the best time to part. When I am good and vulnerable. Where you can see my emotions and feeling raw. 

My soul has been hurting. My soul has been put on a shelf. I have been thoroughly exhausted. I have been taken from.I have given and given and given. It has been a very long week full of emotion that I am ready to pit behind me.I'm grateful for the lessons learned. And I feel like it was a productive week. And necessary to go through. But now that it is finished I am so grateful. I just need some time to breathe. To relax my soul and mind. To be me. Being mom is always number one, but sometimes i forget about myself, and that just is not acceptable. Because if I forget about myself then I really am no good to anyone. 

I'm usually so excited for Fridays because its date night  with my man and we get relaxing time and outings with our children! But this Friday I'm just glad the week is DONE. I don't want to ever relive this week again. I know I had to go through it, but I'm SO glad its finished. I'm so surprised how much emotion this week brought out of me. I am so drained. I know I'm not alone in this. I see moms struggling all around me with things that I don't have to struggle with anymore. And for them I reach out my arms and help where ever I can...even if its just in the cafeteria holding a small baby for another mama. Serving others has always brought joy to my life. My mom taught us that when we are lost in the service of others our life will smooth its self out. Sand she is right. My woes are nothing when I am helping others. And somehow joy ushers itself in. 

It's been awhile, though, since I have found my inner peace. Somehow I forgot to take time for me. I'm a creature or routine. A lover or structure. I love it! I love structure and balance and love to live my life in order. (I think thats the mom in me)  But I love to live my life on a whim as well. And I haven't taken many whims for myself lately. Not for myself. 

 I need to remember that I'm important, too. I need to recognize when my should is crying out for attention like my children family and friends do. When I look at the beautiful surrounding I live in, when I look at the nature all around me I'm surprised that i haven't enjoyed it more...like I used to. On my own. I have had many outings with my husband and children that I have LOVED, but I have forgotten tohow important it is to be alone. It is so healthy. It is so healing. I'm just glad today I TOOK an hour or soft myself to let the emotions out. To let the week go. To move on and become better and to be happy again...from the very bottom of my soul. 

kindness begins with me...

There is this little song I grew up singing in my church primary class. It goes like this, 

I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right you see.

So I think to myself remember this, kindness begins with me. 

Simple. Two lines. 24 words. Huge message. 

This is one  life motor I have tried to teach my children all their lives. Kindness begins with me. She they are being fussy or rude to each other, I yell down the hall, "kindness begins with?" And immediately I hear up to 4 little voices yelling back, "ME!" 

 I have this amazing daughter, {D}. Well, they are all amazing, but today I want to post about kindness, and this girl has such a genuine kind heart that I would LOVE to let shine here.

{D} is tender and genuine and thinks hard about the kind of person and friends she wants to be. She doesn't understand why children she meets/knows can be rude or mean. She is thoughtful and giving and kind. Let me tell you a little story about our special girl. 

A few years ago, maybe four years, my sweet little {D} was in here primary class at church when a sweet new little boy was brought in. He was DARLING! A face that makes you wanna just smooch it! And gorgeous blonde thick long it hair that was shiny and smooth. THAST is what my girl noticed first. This sweet boy was headed to her class' row to sit. His mom was helping him in. She pulled over a special seat they designed for him to help him sit straight and safe. He has Cerebral Palsy so he needed assistance sitting. As soon as his mother headed {D's} way, she quickly went to him. Making sure he was welcomed and had a place to sit and that he wouldn't be lonely. I was at the time the music leader so I watched the entire thing unfold. My heart was so full. I wasn't surprised for one second, but to watch a small child do such a sweet thing melted me. 

Each Sunday following, my girl would do the same thing, make sure he knew where he belonged...right next to her. It was maybe the second Sunday that my girl starting to play with this sweet boys hair. It was her FAVORITE thing to do. And he let her. I think he really liked it actually. ;) They became INSTANT friends. He trusted her. And she adored him. 

It wasn't long after they first met that we noticed something really special about these two. It wasn't JUST about kindness. It was about something more. And both sets of parents saw it quickly. These sweet children had a special friendship. One that I could only imagine started long before they came to Earth. Because being LDS, I believe in a life before this one. I believe in a heavenly life where we knew each other and were a family. I believe we came to Earth to be tested and learn and grow, And I believe one day we will move on form this Earthly life and return home to Heaven and to our family that we left behind. Those who have gone on before us and those who are waiting their turn. With this belief, I believe we have special friends on Earth that we knew then and we are so lucky to be with here as well. I have met in particular friend about 10 years ago that I truly can only chalk our relationship up as Heavenly. We are kindred spirits if you will :) THAT is what I believe is the relationship that {D} has with this sweet boy. Because if you see the two of them together, you would ONLY think that same things as well. 

The boy and his family didn't stay long in our ward. maybe after a year or so,  they moved to another part of our town, about 15 mins away. They went to different schools so they didn't see much of each other.  Then his family moved 4 hours away. They returned to our town a year or so later. ALL these moves couldn't keep their friendship from growing. These two LOVE each other. They have made sure ( with the help of their mama's ) to have movie trips and swim days and invited to each others birthday party. 

This sweet little boy couldn't say too many words when they first met, but he has an awesome computer that he can use to speak. His parents have created special buttons for common words and phrases he uses. It wasn't long after they met that there was a button with {D's} name on it :) 

There have been many times when I drive away from the movie theature, after dropping my sweet girl off with her friend and his mother, when I watch her push his stroller into the theatre. With each play time, his mother tells me what fun things they did and my heart swells for the way this sweet boy loves and trusts my daughter. And how she loves him and tends to him. I remember at  her birthday party my eyes were caught on her as she swam away from her other friends to make sure her sweet boy is happy and fine and included. And how sweet is it that he makes sure he takes her for a special treat on her birthday? 

Last week we got to attend his first baseball game. {D} stood so proudly watching her friend as he walked with his dad to the plate. His dad held him tight, helping him grip the bat, swinging with him to hit the ball straight in the air. She was so proud of him. When he didn't make it to first base she was so worried for him, so we ran to him by the dug out. She helped clean the dirt off of him, handing his mama a wipe for his face, giving him water to drink. And then stepping back to give him some space to recuperate and take a deep breath. 

These children are amazing. The are such great examples to us all.

These two have made plans for their future :) They have talked about it over and over. These small sweet innocent perfect children have a friendship of pure trust and kindness. This girl of mine is pure beauty. Her heart is the most beautiful kind. Her genuine desire to be kind radiates. I am so happy I get to be her mom. This tiny girl was maybe 5 years old when she befriended a sweet boy who couldn't even speak to her, and maybe couldn't understand her. But because of kindness, he knew what she was saying and she knew exactly what he was saying. 

check check ...is this thing on...

Really quick. A note for the weekend. After posting about some of the effects on blood sugars, I wanted to make a quick post about the signs/symptoms of diabetes.IF you feel you or anyone you know has shown signs of these things, ask a doctor or persona that has a blood glucose meter to check that person. It is a CHEAP check if it saves a life. 

Diabtetes is tricky. Not all signs and symptoms [ertain to everyone. If you have one or if you have seven of these symptoms, check yourself. IT NEVER HURTS TO CHECK. well okay maybe it hurts a TINY bit for the poke, ;) but it promise its worth it :)

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TO LOOK FOR 

Sever thirst. (like a LOT of drinking.)                

Constant urination.

Sever and rapid weight loss. 

Tired.

Angry. 

Fruity scented breath.

Nausea or vomiting. 

 Always look for the signs. You should never feel bad/weird/awkward to ask for a quick blood check. Better safe than sorry.  Have a great weekend!

emotional wreck...

Diabetes has been a part of our family's lives for over 6 years. It has been tricky. Frustrating. Scary. Overwhelming. These girls of mine have been poked and prodded more than any children should be. They have been tested and quizzed. They have been taught and they have learned. They have shared their story and have educated others. They have been such amazing examples to EVERYONE they come in contact with about this nasty thing we call Diabetes. 

Like I have said before, we have from day one, taken this trial as it is. There is NOTHING we can do about it except take care of it. In return, their body will thank them by functioning properly. 

We have been so blessed to live in a time where it has been studied and explored. My children are 100% better off than the children with diabetes in the 70' and 80's. We will always be grateful for that.

 But like any disease, there are obstacles. We can't sugar coat it (no pun intended ;)  an pretend that because we are aware and on top of this disease, that we don't have mishaps. As good as we are about their numbers, the numbers can play games with us. 

Some of the things that effect blood sugar levels

Emotions. 

This is a HUGE one for my daughters. One in particular. 

She is my responsible, reliable, on time girl. She has most of her life in order.

She likes things a certain way. She has a tough time adjusting.

So when something isn't going as planned, she has a come apart. 

Sometimes it takes awhile for her to adjust. And talking to her about it, trying to help
her see and accept the 

adjustment doesnt always help. Sometimes it makes it worse. This is when 

our sweet girl drops. Her numbers plummet.

She goes from a perfect 124, to 58 FAST. 

And from there it all spirals. 

She then is low. Feeling shaky. Emotional. Frustrated and even confused. 

She won't speak rationally. 

I will tell her to check herself and she will refuse. 

( this doesnt happen overtime. only once in awhile. I'm only sharing these things with you for learning purposes...not to make her feel ashamed. Like I said before, same is AMAZINGLY responsible and ;likes to take care of things. This is just a situation that happens.)

Her number will go lower. Thats when I speak clearly to her, looking hr in the eyes. I tell her she can choose not to check, not to drink juice, but that she is also choosing to spend a night at the hospital. And if she chooses that, then she needs to go pack a bag. 

Thats when she gives me a look only she can give and she takes care of herself.

This emotional thing also happens when they are sad.

 If something has happened that makes them sad, they will drop. Their tears and emotions drain them of their sugars. They knows this and when they starts to cry they will tell me they feel low and we take care of it immediately. 

When the girls are angry.

Oh when they get mad their numbers drop as well. 

We are blessed that these girls have trusted their mama from the get-go and have always known the importance of their numbers. So when they are angry, they can feel a change and we can see it. The get slow, dizzy, even more frustrated and then they head to the kitchen for sugar or will ask for it. Sometimes we will offer it if they haven't asked sooner. 

Hormones.

When one of our daughters was around 11 she was CRAZY town angry! This is SO out of character for her! We had NO clue why she was so upset all the time. And why everything made her sad or angry. This went on for a couple years. It was a NIGHTMARE! Her number were out of control, too.

She had always had decent numbers...but keeping her number under 250 was near impossible. We were SO concerned. She went from a 1:15 ratio to a 1:12 then to a 1:10 and then to a 1:9...we flipped!! and her lentos went from 15 to 24 in a week! She got to 26 and thats when things started to slowly calm down. She is back down to a 22 now, and has been there for awhile. 

As their bodies grow up they will need more insulin but that much that fast freaked us out.

It has since stopped/changed and she has things under

control now. The same is happening with our other daughter. 

Her hormones are now out of control. Her attitude switches SO fast! And if her hormones and emotions are on a rise, this one has shown the opposite of her sister...her numbers drop. 

We have seen SO many lows because of this. 

(these are the times when the parents take what our amazing doctors have to say BUT also learn and discover what works for THEIR individual child. Children are not all the same...they are NOT text book. Somethings are, but each human is wired differently, and we have learned this VERY well.)

So this daughter needs direct sugar immediately. 

Her ratios haven't changed, yet. We expect they will. For now we take one day 

and one check at a time.

Exercise.

My oldest runs. She also has PE/Body Toning every day.

She gets a lot of exercise each day. She loves it!

But she has noticed, after a run especially, that her numbers go bananas.

She will go high. She will have to give herself extra insulin for that. 

You would think excercising would TAKE the energy/sugar from you. And there are times it DOES. 

We always have extra sugar when we swim or hike etc etc.

But as this daughter has gotten older and works out regularly, her number sodding always drop...but rather the opposite.

TRICKY!

This diabetes bit is tricky!!

Stress. 

This is the number one cause of one of my girls drop in numbers. 

She will stress and her number will drop. Then she will stress more about her number dropping and her sugar WONT stick. So she drops more. We have had some pretty scary times when we pump 75 grams of sugar in her in an hours time and she STILL wont rise in numbers. She cries. I get worried. FINALLY it kicks in and she can rest. 

These are the LEAST favorite moments.

Sickness.

We had our first moment with diabetes and sickness the first year they were diagnosed. It was 5 months after diagnoses when their pediatricians said children with autoimmune illnesses NEED the flu shot. We hadn't ever given them the flu shot before and never had problems. But because we were advizedto, we did. Within a couple few days our girls were up all night puking. One girl threw up 9 times that night. ANY sugar I was able to get in them came back up within a few minutes. IT was terrifying. I went to a neighbor/friends house that also had diabetes. I got a bit of advice from them and some sprite. Up until their diagnoses, my girls NEVER drank juice and NEVER had soda. So to think the only way to help my puking children was to put this carbonated sugar disgust in their clean bodies made my skin crawl. We did it. They kept a bit down. Then bit more. THAT wasn't fun. 

We have taught these girls to listen to their body. To feel what it is telling them. And to use their instinct and education to help them decided what to do. Diabetes is not something to take lightly BUT we can be happy knowing we have GREAT doctors and resources and knowledge. If we stay responsible with it, everyone can have a long happy full life. 

We have so many examples around us that have proven that.

i want to be invisible...

"I want to be invisible"...my daughter said tonight. Twice. Where on earth did she get that from?! My heart broke. I cuddled her in arms and told her why she is so important to our family. After a little while, she believed me and was good as new.

 "Uuuuugh! I just can't do it! I'm going to freak out!"  another daughter said. I asked why...she said she is almost out of tooth paste and is so frustrated!  I reminded her that her amazing mom has extra tooth paste in our storage and she can get some.

"Please mommy please! I really just can't go to school tomorrow! I can't do it anymore!" I am so proud of you for going to school, baby.  If you don't go you won't learn.  Maybe I'll come help in your class tomorrow.


"Mom...I've got it bad. I really really really like him." I giggle. "Its not funny! Okay well it kinda is."


"Mom, can you teach me about evolution?" Yes, lets chat about it for 36 minutes right as it is bed time and your other sisters are going bananas. Yes, I gave a full lesson on the theory of evolution to my 12 year old.


"MOM! listen! I finally got my fingers right! I can play the song!" Show me baby! Good job! I'm so proud of you! Okay tomorrow we can work on the next one.


"Mom, can you do my homework for me...I"m just so tired from today?" Come on, I'll help you. You are SO smart...we can get this done fast. Here are a few candy corn to get you motivated. ;) ;) ( love those little buggers.)


"Hi sister _. We are just calling to confirm that you will have dinner for the missionaries tonight." Yep! I'm on it. Wait! Something pops up ( imagine that) I can't deliver the meal. I call a pal and ask if she can deliver it for me. Lovely girl says she can, my kitchen just became CUT THROAT kitchen with 30 mins to prepare meal. I got this.

"We love this yard! And the kitchen is great!!" "Well, I have to tell you, there have been two other offers already made. You would be the third."  Poop.


"Her eye is really red." "its really itchy." "lemme look at it," i said hmm whats that...  "its a growth."  "No, sweetie thats just part of her eye." "Wait , I wanna see it!" No, its just part of your eye.  "Wait I have a GROWTH!"  NO! its not a growth. Good night.


Hey, babe. Whatever it is you need to do to get ready for me...please do it. Because we are "hanging out" tonight.  (insert shoulders falling here.)


I am exhausted. By the end of most nights I am in cruise control, scooping every last bit of patience and energy I have to make sure each day with these girls is great. But, this is a typical day. Everyone seems to need a piece of mama, am I right? This is actually a tiny fraction of the conversations I have with my babes. I know I'm not alone in this. The amount of energy and emotions that have been shown around my house lately has me running to sees candy much too often.
And the most strange weird crazy lunatic  thing about it all...I wouldn't want it to change. If it changes then they might not EVER talk to me. I know I am the most important most trusted most relied upon person to these four girls...and that big man of mine. Why on earth wouldn't I want that? That has been my goal from day one...I just didnt know it would be so exhausting.  ;)

oxox

my daughters and the P word...

P is for penis. Thats what a boys private parts are called. But let me tell you...having only daughters, it really wasn't something I ever had to talk about. Until they asked.

I grew up with three brothers. Two which I helped changed diapers for. I'm sure at a young age I learned that boys are different from girls because boys are born with a pee pee and girls are born with a vagina. 

But when I had my OWN children, I only had to teach to wipe their bummy. ( I know I know...we need to teach them the PROPER name for their privates. Blah. I know that...but those names are nasty. So while we know the technical term, we still call them bum, for butt, and bummy for vagina. get over it.) So when my third daughter was at a friends house that JUST had a baby, she asked what his thingie was.  I wasn't there so my pal told her. No biggie. Thats when I realized that we had an issues here! My daughters hadn't been taught about boys parts because they never HAD to be taught! What ever will they do when they have to baby sit a little boy?? What about their husband?? Or their OWN children?? How will they ever survive?!!! 

haha. 

After NOT having to wipe a boy body for many years, I was given my brand new uncircumcised nephew to watch over night. Oh Hannah... I had to change him. What the heck did they expect me to do?? I couldnt TOUCH that thing! Maybe if I put three wipes together I wouldn't have to really touch it?? Or maybe I could just grab the top of it with a wipe in one hand and quickly wipe around it with a wipy in the other hand?? Maybe he will actually be just fine if he sat in the diaper over night...its not a big deal, baby. And plus, you even got yourself into this mess.

Yeah that didn't work. I HAD to change this baby. I loved him so much. I didn't want him to hurt. So I put on my big girl pants...and changed that thing.

 I wanted to die. 

Anything would be better than what I was doing right then. 

I went as fast as I could...putting on a brave and serious and  calm  face my kids. So that they knew it wasn't weird...HA! It was SO weird. 

Okay so after that, I knew I could NEVER get pregnant again. Because then I have chance of having to do that all the time. And that just wasn't acceptable. 

After I put my weirdness on the shelf, I talked to my girls about it. Like I said, I didn't make a big deal about it front of them ( even though inside I was DYING). I just changed him and we were done. Yes. I let my daughters look while I was changing a diaper. No I did NOT make them feel bad about it. How else will they ever learn to help a baby? 

Over the years we have had a few talks about the differences between boy and girl. Not just that we have different body parts, but that we tinkle differently, too. We had this talk MOSTLY because when one of my daughters walked in on my husband STANDING  UP to pee, my little ones mind was BLOWN! How in the WORLD does he get his pee in the toilet standing up!?? Can I try that, too? This little one even said, "Mommy!! Why does daddys private look like Horton hears a who??"  (tears of laughter inserted here). I about lost it when she said that!! MY poor husband, He deals with SO many things being the only male in our home. 

Life with all girls has proven itself to be a lot of things. Tricky. Eventful. Emotional. Stressful and loud. Oh has it been loud. But we wouldn't trade it for anything.

airing my dirty laundry...

Hi my name is Teresa, and I think I have OCD.

Hi, Teresa.

 It's been 31 days since my last freak out. Which is SO            amazing, actually.

Let me tell you a little about my OCD issues. I am NOT clinically diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I do NOT do anything compulsively accept wash my hands. And thats on;ly because they are legit dirty. Which is a LOT. Okay maybe it IS compulsive ;) And I'm not obsessed with anything...except a tidy home. Writing about this actually started out as great idea, I thought. And then as I got towards then end I Started to fear that people aren't going to like me as much. They are going to think I'm weird. I want people to know the REAL me...the happy, go with the flow, fixer, that loves everyone and sees the good in all things. I want people to see that I LOVE life and LOVE the people that are in my life. I want people to know how grateful I am for the experiences I have had on earth and that I am a good person that is trust worthy and loyal and honest and fun!

But writing this I only felt bad. I only saw my biggest fault be smear on a screen. I almost didn't press publish. Actually this post sat as a draft for a week. But in some crazy way I also feel like I would be lying if I only wrote the fun and silly and good things about my life. I have said if before and I'll say it again. I have amazing things in my life. But I am human...and I have ugly things, too. 

This is my ugly. 

Let me explain a few things. And maybe someone with a clear-er mind than mind will say, yes, yes dear that IS OCD. Maybe someone  will say listen to her making excuses for all her weird-ness. Well. To that I say fine. 

My issues didn't start until I was older. Which is CRAZY to think seeing that almost my entire family has issues. Maybe its just control issues. Maybe thats what OCD IS! Well, I was a very responsible child. My parents taught me to keep a tidy room and do my chores etc. I thought I was well rounded. I knew how to respect my first car and take care of it. My room was always in order. I was on time for things. And if I wasn't , I knew how to bounce back from that. Resilient was my middle name.  Never once did I ever think I was overly doing something. Never once did I feel like I had any obsessions. 

 I noticed a change in myself when I first got married. My then husband was quite controlling. I felt like he was teaching me how to be a housewife rather than having fun with me as his wife. I couldn't do anything right.  I found myself trying so hard to do everything perfect. After two years of marriage, for MANY reasons, we divorced. I was 22. I was now a mother to a sweet baby girl AND pregnant with my second. I was living on my own. I think because I was in such a crazy relationship, now a YOUNG girl with children on her own, I was panicked. My life plans were out the window. I didn't know which way was up. I was swimming harder and faster trying to keep afloat. Everything seemed out of control. So, I found a way to keep my life in control. As long as my home was perfectly tidy, I was safe. I was okay. Everything around me might have  been falling apart but my home was clean. I didn't have television. I had many part time jobs to make ends meet. But mostly, I was with my daughters playing and teaching them. So any free time I had, I was cleaning. And as the only adult, I could keep each room clean. There wasn't anyone else trashing the joint. I felt so much peace with that. 

But then I got remarried. And then I got pregnant again. Both great amazing things, but now there was another human with their own ideas. I had to keep up with another persons mess. Someone who didn't understand my point of view and I didn't understand theirs! And with a growing belly, I was sick and so tired and couldn't keep up! I was exhausted and miserable. I made my life a nightmare. I felt like  I didn't have ANY help! The baby was born and my mind did a few somersaults. I WAS so over my head. It got worse and worse. Now I had THREE children and a man that I just couldn't keep up with. I made myself sick! I was obsessed with a spotless house. It was my ONLY safety...my only peace of mind. But now I let it take over my thoughts and feelings. 

I had to learn to control it. 

I had to figure out a way too get over it. I didn't want my children to grow up in a house that they couldn't live in! Or that they couldn't bring their babies home to me because they werent allowed to touch grandmas things. I wanted them to feel safe.I wanted them to feel happiness and be able to be children. 

I made a goal. And I worked HARD at it. I would fall asleep with dishes in the sink just to teach my self it would be okay. I would lay in bed breathing deep telling myself it would be okay. And guess what? It was. The same went for the floors. The same floors I would sweep mom and vacuum EVERYday were left alone and when I woke up...I was okay. The world didn't end over a messy floor.  

I had another baby. She balanced me a bit. I took more time with her. I didn't worry AS much about a messy house. Oh if I could list ALL the things I didn't or wouldn't let my children do you would think I was a FREAK! But please, judge me tenderly. I was just a young girl trying to deal with a HUGE loss and a HUGE change of life plans...all while tending to two small babies. I was just trying to survive. And that carried over into my life. To this day, I still struggle with certain things. I still have moments of frustration and explode. Im usually pretty good at blocking out the messy cupboard in the bathroom. Or the stack of clothes in the garage that need to be donated. Or the fridge that needs to be organized...again. (i'm actually starting to panic a little right now :/ ) Somedays I see all the messes that I have let go for so long and I flip a lid. I can't hold it in anymore. I just cant keep it in anymore. I truly have to STILL talk myself out of crazy mode somedays. 

It's embarrassing. I'm not proud of it. I'm everyday working on it. 

I'm so grateful for my children and husband and my friends who accept me for who I am. Because I AM  that good loyal honest person. I'm grateful for the people who take their shoes off before they come in my house. And for the times my children come home from school and wash their hands before they touch everything in the pantry! I'm so happy when my home is in order. But I'm happiest when I am tucked in next to my sweetheart, without a care in the world about my home. And with HIS calm, warm, lighthearted temperament...I will always be safe. 

love story...

We all have our very own love story...well this is mine. Well its OURS. Mine and my husbands. Its goes a little something like this.

 I was married for two years. It was just enough time to conceive two children. After 2 years, for reasons I won't post on the world wide web today, I left. I was out. I was now a single mother of two. 

I was living the dream, raising two babes on my own, dating some dude that didn't want to marry me and working my tail off everyday trying to make money and NOT put my babies in day care. 

Yeah thats not living the dream, guys. One day, while...living the dream, I was headed to my grandmas house. About a block away from my home my car broke down. I pulled over and popped my hood. I didn't know what was wrong but my dad taught me a few things...so I was doing my best to figure it out at that moment. Thats when a wonderful couple pulled over and helped me. Thankfully, the man knew what he was talking about. He quickly fixed me up and I was on my way!

 I spent the day with my grandma, headed home, picked up my laundry and was off to my moms. After a few hours I was back on the road, again, to go home. Same street, opposite side of the road, I broke down again. MAN ALIVE! What was I going to do? I was just around the corner from my home...why here? Why right now? I thought, at least I was close enough to walk home with my babes. 

I was about to get out when the SAME car drove by, this time with a cute guy in the back seat. His head was hanging out the window as they starred at me. They turned around. My heart began to race! I had candy wrappers on the front seat!! Hurry! Clean that up! I looked at my babies to make sure they were okay and BAM! In my face! The same man and this cute boy were there to help. The man had me pop the hood. He and the boy looked around and started talking to each other. The boy said it was my fuel injection. I laughed so hard in my mind!! Listen to this little guy talk like he knows what he's talking about!! hahahahahah!! Then he gave me a look like, "Hey baby. How you dong?" I about died...of laughter! Who was this kid?! Ew. 

They fixed me up again, and then followed me to my house so I was safe. The ONLY reason I let them follow me home is because they were in my ward (religious  group of people that meet at church at the same time in the same geographical boundary). They waved goodbye and I said thanks!

Oh heavens. This boy was sweet to my eyes but he sure thought he was all that! Funny thing, that boy waited for me week after week to arrive at church so he could talk to me. I was always LATE so he never got the chance. :) 

Finally, one sunday, the boy found me in the hallway at church. He could barely get the words out. He said he had been trying to talk to me for weeks. He tried to ask me put but only half of the words came out...poor kid. ;) So mid stutter I said, "you wanna take me out?" He said yes. I said pick up at this time, we'll go here. 

After a couple months of dating,  this boy...

his name is Andy, had become such a happy positive energy and influence in my life. He was so happy to see me. Made me his priority. he was so full of life.  And that was it. I was his. And he was mine. He became my best friend and my biggest fan. 

He had a gorgeous ring made for me, planned a trip to California, and purposed late one night on the beach, with our favorite song playing. He made a rose petal pathway that turned into a circle, lit with candles. We danced. I was panicking. I knew what was going to happen. He got down on his knees, said some mushy sweet words, and asked if I would be his forever. I said of course! And that was that! 

Its so funny, you hear people say I love you more today than I didn't so many years ago...it's 100% true. I knew I really liked Andy...loved him even. But its almost comical to think back then that I said I loved him more than anything...because TODAY my love for him is more than I have ever loved anything. Love is SO much more than attraction and fun and excitement. Its defiantly the start of it...but the years and experiences and trials and hard times and commitment shown at the very worst times ...THATS love. 

I will always be grateful and love that 21 year old boy that pulled over and fixed my car. The boy that brought happiness and life back into my days. The boy that didn't take no for an answer, because so many days I tried to tell him he deserved more than a single mother. He was so young, yet so amazing, to see ME and love ME and not see just my situation. And dang it all he loved my babies. He played with them, let them put barrettes and bows in his hair, he watched movies with them and would even rock my babies to sleep for me. I will never forget the night I walked out of one babies room from putting her to sleep, only to find my sweetheart rocking my tiny baby with her bottle in my rocking chair. He was so calm and sweet and loving. I knew he was the one.

 There would be NO ONE better.  

And when my dad was late to our wedding, he sat next to me calmly assuring me he would make it. And when the power went out in the entire city on our wedding day, and we had an ice cream wedding cake, he didn't sweat it. We just cut the cake earlier than expected. And when on that same wedding day, my two year old daughter fell in the pool because she was trying to get a floating flower, he jumped in, tuxedo, shoes and all, to save my precious baby, the one he fell in love with first. 

  

Thats when I knew... I was right. 

There is NO ONE better for me. 

Beauty in bulk...

My body. My actual insides. I literally grew a human in my insides.
My sleep.
My comfort. My physical being was not the same. And there wasn't much I could do about it...I couldn't make it stop...just find a way to make it easier.  I shared my actual comfort for a tiny growing baby.
I shared my taste buds. The food I ate.  My favorites were off the table. And the most disgusting were now glorious ideas of Heaven. Taste buds now belonged to whatever the little one needed.
My eye sight was worse, my teeth were weakened. I think I have a filling for each one of my children. My sense of smell was heightened to limits I never knew were possible. Emotions. Limitations. My entire SIZE was changed...so to be able to bring a new human into this world. I first shared my body.

My lady parts. The once private hush areas on my body were now shared with...too many. Doctors thought it was a regular occurrence and nothing to be bashful about. Uh yeah. No that wasn't how I felt. I used those things to get that baby out...and to feed it. Feeding all the time. When ever needed. You ask, baby, you get. Dillard's dressing room, pulled over in a church parking lot, whenever, wherever.

You would think that was the end of this post, that to get a baby into the world you loose some of you to actually GAIN a different piece of yourself. That your body is stretched and pulled and changed and torn apart all in the name of the human race. But oh no. You see this blog is about SHARING. Because sharing is caring, of course. And the more you share the better you feel. The happier you are! These are things I have taught and still teach my children daily.

Welp. Lemme tell you a bit about sharing...with four other chicks.
It stinks.
 I mean I LOVE to make sure my girls have everything they need and even want. They are fully taken care of. Piano lessons, guitar lessons, dance classes, horse riding lessons, basketball teams, softball teams, soccer teams, clothes, toys, books, boots, every color flat shoe you can imagine, blankets, balls games, movies. They are taken care of.

But lemme just say over the years, I have had a certain amount of spending money. Money that is used for extra things. And over the years as I gain another gorgeous baby girl, I lose a bit of my spending money. Instead of choosing a darling pair of skinnies for myself and a new watch or pair of shoes, I was weeding out what I "didn't really need" so I could get my little ones something I thought was too cute to pass. That amazing purse I really had my eye on and look! It even went on sale! Oh my gosh I HAVE to get that now! Wait, daughter {s} could sure use a new pair of shoes for church. And {E} said she wanted a new book to read. And {L} is potty training soon...I should get her a new pack of unders. Good bye, dear handbag with a perfect amount of pockets and zippers. Your gorgeous navy blue color had me the second I laid eyes on you. But you know, I'm sure I'll find another one just like you soon :)
Yeah right.

Lets talk about my girl {D}. Boy oh boy. She is ALL girl. And that means shopping is her middle name.  That girl looses her mind when she is given a chance to pick something! And she CAN'T ever pick just one thing. Its always a battle deciding. Its always a struggle. There are almost always tears. Legit tears of frustration. She just CANT decide! Poor girl. Poor mama. Oh dang...her poor husband ;)  Confession: Sometimes I find a way to get her more than one thing because I, too, love dressing that girl up :)

And thats the problem...I LOVE those girls! Dressing them is half the fun of have daughters! That means more sharing. Sharing money for things.

And then they get older and it's sharing MY actual clothes that I sparsely had collected throughout the years. No bus stains on these jeans! No grass marks. No holes. Just clean pressed grown up clothes... that aren't from old navy. Yep, those. Those are the ones my babes have their eyeballs set on. And make up. Oh the joys of teaching your daughters how to properly apply makeup. Let me tell ya, once you start its all down hill from there. Mascara blush bronzer tweezers eyebrow pencil you name it they want it. Its has gotten to a point now, that when I find a pair of tweezers I LOVE, I buy three pairs. Because I KNOW my girls are going to want them, too. And I want them to have the best...so I buy beauty in bulk. And if you're lucky enough (sarcasim), your shoes will also become their shoes. Because, "Mom I don't have ANYTHING to wear," at the last minute before school starts tends to happen more often than not and that leads them to YOUR closet.

I remember how devastating it was on school days when I would try on six outfits before I threw in the towel! "I'm not going to school," was the solution everythime. But that really didn't fly with my mom. So I HAD to figure it out. And being the 5' 6" girl that I was/am and my mother being 4' 11" sharing her clothes wasn't an option. So I have major sympathy for my girls AND like I said before...sharing is caring, why wouldn't I share with my precious girls? :/

Now, my girls know that there are a few things that are major off limits. Sorry, babes, Thats a no. And that helps me feel like I actually have something of my own. I think thats a good thing. But man alive...I'm sure this is just the beginning. I have four rounds of this. Dont get me wrong...its my entire lives joy to take care of my babes.  I KNEW that once I got pregnant the first time, my life was not my own anymore. I knew i would forever put someone else before myself EVERYDAY. With every decision. With every choice. But some of this stuff was NOT in the cliff notes version of What To Expect When You're Expecting. ;)

you win some and you loose some...and then mom makes pancakes...

I'm telling you...it STINKS to watch your child not win. To NOT get something they worked so hard for. Watching them put their all into something,watching them reach deep inside for the confidence needed. To put themselves on a stage and say Hi. This is me. Do you like me enough? Because lets face it, thats pretty much all it is. So watching your child get told time and time again, "NO," pretty much makes me wanna puke. Because that special human is MINE. I see all the great in her. I see all the joy and love and smart and kind in her. Because I know all the things she could bring to the table. All the happiness she can bring to lives. So watching my child walk away with a broken heart and a fake smile saying,  "I'm alright. No big deal. There is always next time," stinks. I can't help but have a tear for them. I can't help but let feel my heat break for them.


BUT watching them try and try again is  more than amazing. So when my gorgeous daughter wanted to be elected for a  club presidency, I was on pins and needles. A little speech, a ballot vote. A day to count the votes up. (no hanging chads allowed) And then the news...I'm telling you when I heard that my darling was MADE the club presidency I was SO happy for her! SO happy for a win! So happy that she felt happy! SO proud that my daughter didn't give up. That she kept trying. That she didn't take no for an answer. That when she WAS told no, her mind and heart and spirit said, try try agin. That she didn't crumble, but that she really did see that there would always be something else great in her path. I'm SO happy for her, for her character. I'm so happy  I think I'll make pancakes for breakfast...in the shape of an S. Because you know what?! She deserves it!

waffle bliss...

We have a darling and delicious food truck here called waffle bliss. Well on a family outing we saw it the girls wanted to eat them badly!! Well after the most amazing birthday weekend filed with shopping and dining out, we weren't in the mood to spend $50 bucks on waffles. No offense waffle bliss :/ So we headed to the grocery store to get a couple ingredients so we could make them at home. 

With a new waffle recipe in hand, and scrumptious nutella and fresh local peaches on my counter, I began the recipe. And like magic, my girls came flooding in the kitchen to watch/help. As much as I LOVE spending time with my babes, and as important as I feel it is for my girls to be in the

kitchen with me learning and experimenting, I  have a hard time with new recipes and curious little ones. 

 Usually cooking with my babes is a task bigger than almost any other in our home. Keeping ALL of them feeling involved and important and giving each one the same amount of "important" jobs and also trying to keep things OFF of the floor and out of our hair and fingers out of mouths is exhausting.  She I cook with them all it takes the very last drop of patience I have. There have been times when I have NOT enjoyed it at all. Times when I know I didn't smile once. Those times make me sad. I want to be happy each time i spend time with my girls but DANG! Its rough!! 

So this time two of my beauties came in. Moved a bar stool over closer and began with the questions. Remember...this is a brand new recipe I was trying. So I had to actually pay attention. Oh and I was doubling it. SO. As I began, things were fine. Then my husband asked in. He was trying o be helpful. So I put him to work. I began reading and measuring again. He began talking. NO! You can't talk yet. I'm focused. He didn't get the memo. I answered his question. Then the babies started talking to me. Boo. I used 2 TABLEspoons of baking powder instead of 2 Teaspoons. gag. So i calmly started to scoop it out. Trying to re measure and not waste. But then someone else asked a question and opened the fridge door and moved a barstool right behind me and BAM! It happened. I lost it. I lost my count. And my cool. I dumped the entire bowl of dry ingredients into the sink. My husband thought I was nuts! I yelled. I told them I need them to respect the fact that I have asked nicely over and over to give me minute to think and count but NO ONE gives that to me. I said you all want so much from me at the same time and I just can't do that! {D} scooted to her room and started cleaning it. HAAAHAHHAAHAHAHAAHAH!!! She knows when mama pops to start cleaning! Sad...but SO funny, too. The husband just quietly started doing his task again...without questions. And my little {L} stood faithfully by my side as if nothing happened. She was SO excited about the waffles she dint even care. 

I opened the waffle iron. WHAT.

It was dirty. The last time it was sued (for cinnamon rolls) it wasn't cleaned. Uuuuuuuuuugh. I literally had to scrape each and every square on that thing. I wanted to cry. My old OCD self would have just thrown it away. I have done that. But this was my favorite expensive waffle iron. I knew I had to clean it. And still, sweet {L} sat there watching so proud of me for figuring out how to clean it. She even offered to help because she knew how sad I was. 

Once it was clean I finished making the batter. {D} came back in by this time and said her room was spotless. Smile. Hug. Thank you dear. Let her mix the batter. Then gave precious {L} a turn. {D} left again. Husband was gone, too. I wanted so badly to just do this on my own. I wanted to be able to focus and do it quick and quiet. But I still had this cute little shadow. I have absolutely NO CLUE where it came from,  maybe a back up emergency hidden dose of patience, maybe straight from Heaven above, but a desire to be FUN and sweet and good to my baby girl who was STILL happy to be with me and totally interested came over me.


I was so caught up in my frustrations. So caught up in anger and stress. And yet this perfect little smile and sweet disposition was happy to be around me. I showed her how to pour the batter. Right in the middle. I showed her how to close and carefully turn the iron. She LOVED it. She quickly became the turner that night. As she waited for it to beep, I cut the peaches. I let her eat one. BEEP. She slowly turned and opened the waffle iron. I used every single bit of that Heavenly patience while she learned to turn and peel and drop the hot waffle on a plate. Then repeat the process again.  She watched me intently as I took just one scoop of nutella (just in case it burned we didn't want to waste it, she said) and put it in a small pan to melt it down a bit so we could drizzle it on our waffles. Just like waffle bliss. BEEP. She turned, peeled, and dropped the waffle on the plate. 

We decorated a very late so we could get a photo...duh. She asked for the pretty plate as she always does. I old her yes. She thought she was the queen. 

We ate dinner. EVERY mouth was full of the scrumptious waffles topped with the whipped cream daddy just made, the peaches and nutella. It was a WIN.

 It was my night for dishes. word. 

It was {L's} night for table. 

Floor and trash were the big girls chores and they went there so I would need to do those, too. So while I JUST got through what I thought was a completely exhausting hour (although I did love that my babe was with me...believe it or not), I now had just about the entire kitchen to clean. I thought I was about to drown. BUT my sweet little one STILL stood by my side. I wanted to crawl in my bed. I wanted to be in silence and try to recover from the stress. But I had so much to do. I had to keep going. And little {L} wanted to help me. So...more patience was granted. As she came to the sink to help me with dishes she said, "do you want to wash or load mommy?" I chose wash. She began loading. Water dripped on the floor and down her little arms. I said out loud, "Oh {L}." I was over it. Now my darling had a mess on the floor for me and was getting dirty dish water on her. My face started to scrunch like I was about to cry. She looked at me like she had done something wrong. all she wanted to do was be with me. All she wanted was to help. And I was being  brat. Quickly I said, "I'm so glad you are helping me." She asked if I was so happy I was going to cry. I said yes. She felt like a million bucks. And I felt like i=I was being run over by a bus...over and over. How was this happening??!! All I wanted was to be alone and sulk. But her sweetness just kept on sticking by me ...making me crazy!! And getting me love. 

FINALLY kitchen was done. I could sit down. Yeah right. she wanted me to helper in the shower...wash her hair, listen to her funny stories, get a new bottle of conditioner. Yes yes and yes. By this point I realized how selfish I was being. and how lucky I was to be overwhelmed with her love. After her shower she reminded me of her sea animal poster we needed to do. Yes. We searched for the encyclopidia that had jellyfish in it. We learned new facts. Wrote them down. Made the poster. Colored the poster. Re wrote the facts on the poster. When it was finished, she thought we had just created our very own Van Gough. She thought I was the greatest artist. She was so proud. She was SO happy. 

I had just spent THREE straight hours with {L}. Frustrating. Stressful. And then complete BLISS. How did I get so lucky. 

All because if these delicious waffles.

And this adorable girl. 

the drop off...

Every school morning four little girls and their mother load in a shiny mini van in hopes to get school on time. They have a specific time they like to be loaded up. Sometimes they make that time. Sometimes its a few minutes later. On a crazy morning its a lot of minutes later. That makes for a hectic drive for sure. 

With lunches packed, hair neatly done and uniforms on we take our seats in the car. 

Ahhh. Sounds so Mary Poppins like doesn't it? Well, thats just how our lives are. Prompt. Scheduled. And of course tidy and in control. 

Yeah right. 

 I mean, yes we have a goal. Our goal is to be on time for school. But so much goes into a morning drop off. 

First, waking up my sleeping princesses. 

I have a couple ( my oldest) who have the routine down. They have been doing this for quite sometime and LIKE to be on time. They understand what needs to be done and they do it! A LOT of times while I am picking up the stragglers, they are taking care of the things I should be doing. They are saints for sure. 

My sweet {D} has gotten pretty good this year. She, too, understands what needs to be done and gets it done....but at a slower pace.  But MOST days she does her duty with a smile :)

Now, my precious {L}. She is hit or miss. Mostly miss. Waking this child up...is tricky. If we are lucky, mamas slow and calm and sweet "good morning" whispers are met with a hug and cuddle. Her darling blonde curls smell like heaven and I scoop her up and kiss those little cheeks. Then we choose  her uniform for the day, do her hair and get her some breakfast.  

But MOST days go like this. 

{S} is up and ready by 7. She heads to the kitchen to start lunches if mama didn't start them the night before. She checks her number, gets breakfast, empties the dishwasher if its her turn, gets breakfast started for at least one other sister. Then she cleans her room, While {E} has just woken up. {E} rushes to the bathroom to take her turn. She gets ready, already has her bed made, takes out a trash ( a morning chore for them all) finds me for hair. Then she tells me about her dream that night and heads to the kitchen. Number check, breakfast, dishes, loads her lunch. Then she comes to help another sister. {D} is slowly now up. She makes her bed, chooses her uniform, checks on mom, brushes her teeth, checks on mom, mom reminds her to get a trash, takes it out, checks on mom, mom does her hair. Usually some elaborate because this girl is anything but ordinary :) all the while telling me  the thoughts in her mind. Then she asks to wear moms perfume, heads to the kitchen, chats for a bit, gets breakfast, and thats for the rest of her morning.  {L}...oh dear. She has TWO patterns. 1. Mom wakes her up at 7. Then again at 7:05. This happens every 5 mins until sometimes 7:25. Finally I BEG her to pick an outfit. I pull her pajamas off while she is crying because she is just so tired. I move each body part for her to get her clothes on. I make her bed while she lays curled with her blanket on the floor trying to get a few more seconds of shut eye. I put her pajamas away. I realize her drawers are disgusting (OCD kicks in...but I MUST ignore it.). I pick her up/walk away headed to the bathroom. Time for hair...this is almost always a struggle. Her gorgeous locks are tangly so I want to put her hair up. She ALWAYS has her own idea...and so do I. And they are never the same...imagine that. At least one ticked off face is made, sometimes by her, sometimes by me. One of us will get our way! Mostly I do. But somedays she does. Low side bun usually is the winner for us both. We head to the kitchen just in time for us to load up. Lunch boxes, filled water bottles, shoes, socks, homework that needs to be signed, breakfast on the run for some and children are all thrown in the car. Seat belt check. Homework check. Shoes socks clothes lunch box water bottle check. Breath check. Allergy meds check. Did we get it all?!! WAIT! We didn't pray. Someone please say a prayer for us. 

Phew. Now for the drive. 

Talk. Talk talk talk. 

15 mins later we arrive at one school ... the carpool lane is the craziest. Trying to keep them in a positive mood and feel loved and happy and stress free rushes out as soon as I open the door and the teachers RUSH my babies out. Oh and then on a very special lucky day, like today, my children actually FIGHT as they are getting out of the car. "Yes my darling, you may take mamas chap stick today. " xoxox smooches loves kiss kiss sweetness i love my babies. Oh wait. A sister thinks she needs to take the chap stick first and use it while little sister is screaming, "STOOOOOOOP!!!" Sister keeps smearing it all over her mouth while little sister is reaching ferociously to stop her from using it! Big sister continues to move anyway her body can to keep little hands from taking it before she gets just the right amount of stick on her lips. All while sister is still screaming stop over and over. And what does mom do? Oh the only thing she CAN do...I HAVE to keep the line moving. How lovely. My adorable children with their perfectly pleated plaid uniform dresses, smoothed up do hair, kissable cheeks and delicious smelling bodies are attacking each other like lion and zebra while all the other parents get to watch. Free show everyone!! Come see the chap stick fighters free of charge this morning only!! woohoo!! 

Oh and look! Their mother is driving away. How sweet. 

UGH. Are you kidding me? Did thats seriously JUST happen? How mortifying. And how sad. My sweet babies got to go to school with that nasty emotion. The kisses and love and sweet feelings I sent them off with were quickly erased by a D word chap stick. My mommy heart hurt so badly. I wanted to park  my car and run to them and give them a new hug and kiss and tell them again to have a good day. But I couldn't. I had another sweetie to get to school on time. 

I HAD to tell myself they will figure it out. I HAD to remind myself I can try to make things better for them when they get home. I HAD to let them go in sad. They will HAVE to choose for themselves today to be resilient and find happiness again. BOO!! I DONT like that. At all. 

So. Today when I pick them up, I will have a thermos of cold milk and freshly baked cookies for them. Because thats my job. To remind them there is good in each day. When crazy is thrown at us, and the morning doesnt go as planned, our goals aren't met, we can still find happiness. I get to show them I love them. Because after a crazy morning, after a long day at school they get to be wrapped in my arms again. And thats what I do best.