Hi, Teresa.
It's been 31 days since my last freak out. Which is SO amazing, actually.
Let me tell you a little about my OCD issues. I am NOT clinically diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I do NOT do anything compulsively accept wash my hands. And thats on;ly because they are legit dirty. Which is a LOT. Okay maybe it IS compulsive ;) And I'm not obsessed with anything...except a tidy home. Writing about this actually started out as great idea, I thought. And then as I got towards then end I Started to fear that people aren't going to like me as much. They are going to think I'm weird. I want people to know the REAL me...the happy, go with the flow, fixer, that loves everyone and sees the good in all things. I want people to see that I LOVE life and LOVE the people that are in my life. I want people to know how grateful I am for the experiences I have had on earth and that I am a good person that is trust worthy and loyal and honest and fun!
But writing this I only felt bad. I only saw my biggest fault be smear on a screen. I almost didn't press publish. Actually this post sat as a draft for a week. But in some crazy way I also feel like I would be lying if I only wrote the fun and silly and good things about my life. I have said if before and I'll say it again. I have amazing things in my life. But I am human...and I have ugly things, too.
This is my ugly.
Let me explain a few things. And maybe someone with a clear-er mind than mind will say, yes, yes dear that IS OCD. Maybe someone will say listen to her making excuses for all her weird-ness. Well. To that I say fine.
My issues didn't start until I was older. Which is CRAZY to think seeing that almost my entire family has issues. Maybe its just control issues. Maybe thats what OCD IS! Well, I was a very responsible child. My parents taught me to keep a tidy room and do my chores etc. I thought I was well rounded. I knew how to respect my first car and take care of it. My room was always in order. I was on time for things. And if I wasn't , I knew how to bounce back from that. Resilient was my middle name. Never once did I ever think I was overly doing something. Never once did I feel like I had any obsessions.
I noticed a change in myself when I first got married. My then husband was quite controlling. I felt like he was teaching me how to be a housewife rather than having fun with me as his wife. I couldn't do anything right. I found myself trying so hard to do everything perfect. After two years of marriage, for MANY reasons, we divorced. I was 22. I was now a mother to a sweet baby girl AND pregnant with my second. I was living on my own. I think because I was in such a crazy relationship, now a YOUNG girl with children on her own, I was panicked. My life plans were out the window. I didn't know which way was up. I was swimming harder and faster trying to keep afloat. Everything seemed out of control. So, I found a way to keep my life in control. As long as my home was perfectly tidy, I was safe. I was okay. Everything around me might have been falling apart but my home was clean. I didn't have television. I had many part time jobs to make ends meet. But mostly, I was with my daughters playing and teaching them. So any free time I had, I was cleaning. And as the only adult, I could keep each room clean. There wasn't anyone else trashing the joint. I felt so much peace with that.
But then I got remarried. And then I got pregnant again. Both great amazing things, but now there was another human with their own ideas. I had to keep up with another persons mess. Someone who didn't understand my point of view and I didn't understand theirs! And with a growing belly, I was sick and so tired and couldn't keep up! I was exhausted and miserable. I made my life a nightmare. I felt like I didn't have ANY help! The baby was born and my mind did a few somersaults. I WAS so over my head. It got worse and worse. Now I had THREE children and a man that I just couldn't keep up with. I made myself sick! I was obsessed with a spotless house. It was my ONLY safety...my only peace of mind. But now I let it take over my thoughts and feelings.
I had to learn to control it.
I had to figure out a way too get over it. I didn't want my children to grow up in a house that they couldn't live in! Or that they couldn't bring their babies home to me because they werent allowed to touch grandmas things. I wanted them to feel safe.I wanted them to feel happiness and be able to be children.
I made a goal. And I worked HARD at it. I would fall asleep with dishes in the sink just to teach my self it would be okay. I would lay in bed breathing deep telling myself it would be okay. And guess what? It was. The same went for the floors. The same floors I would sweep mom and vacuum EVERYday were left alone and when I woke up...I was okay. The world didn't end over a messy floor.
I had another baby. She balanced me a bit. I took more time with her. I didn't worry AS much about a messy house. Oh if I could list ALL the things I didn't or wouldn't let my children do you would think I was a FREAK! But please, judge me tenderly. I was just a young girl trying to deal with a HUGE loss and a HUGE change of life plans...all while tending to two small babies. I was just trying to survive. And that carried over into my life. To this day, I still struggle with certain things. I still have moments of frustration and explode. Im usually pretty good at blocking out the messy cupboard in the bathroom. Or the stack of clothes in the garage that need to be donated. Or the fridge that needs to be organized...again. (i'm actually starting to panic a little right now :/ ) Somedays I see all the messes that I have let go for so long and I flip a lid. I can't hold it in anymore. I just cant keep it in anymore. I truly have to STILL talk myself out of crazy mode somedays.
It's embarrassing. I'm not proud of it. I'm everyday working on it.
I'm so grateful for my children and husband and my friends who accept me for who I am. Because I AM that good loyal honest person. I'm grateful for the people who take their shoes off before they come in my house. And for the times my children come home from school and wash their hands before they touch everything in the pantry! I'm so happy when my home is in order. But I'm happiest when I am tucked in next to my sweetheart, without a care in the world about my home. And with HIS calm, warm, lighthearted temperament...I will always be safe.
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