When I was 20, I delivered my first daughter. When she was placed in my arms I remember exactly saying a prayer, 'Heavenly Father, I know this little one is going to make mistakes. I know she won't be perfectas she is today. Please PLEASE let me have the courage to always be there for her. I promise I will help her. I promise I will do everything I can to get her back to thee."
And that was the very foundation of my mothering.
These brand new perfect precious babies are here so new and sparkling. Fresh from Heaven.
They will grow and learn and test us as their parents.
But the very moment I held my very own baby, I vowed to except them the way they are, to HELP them and be the kind of parent they could trust and count on. I wanted them to know I knew they would make mistakes, but that they had ME to help get them out of their messes. Of course I would be disappointed...sad even. But, that they knew I was their special helper. And that I loved them so much. If they couldn't count on me...who were they suppose to count on?
When I took her home, I learned I am actually a strict, lay down the law mom who is also heavy on the cuddles and praise. I don't know how, but I was kind of a good mom! I was doing a really good job I thought! And then my second baby girl came. With her, too, I was structured, good at discipline and setting boundaries and yet playful loving and kind and cuddly. I was at this time a single mother. I had gone through a gross marriage and divorce while pregnant with my second. I was doing things MY way ...with guidance from above. I was happy with it. My daughters always had clean hair. They always had a healthy meal and a full belly. They were potty trained like champions. I listened to everything they had to say...or at least they TRIED to say ;) I paid attention to their every need. I read them stories and taught them to count and their alphabet etc etc. I would NEVER mutter a negative word or name in their direction. NEVER. They never went to bed dirty or hungry or alone. They knew who the boss was and obeyed so well. Especially my first.
And then I got married. I got pregnant with my third daughter. Having three babies threw me off! I found myself counting my kids all the time. I would carry one baby, hold the hand of another and have the third hold my purse strap. She was darling but she KNEW what she wanted in life. I found myself with a child who would test my patience...and a husband who gave her anything she wanted. UGH! NO spoiled children for me!! I felt completely out numbered. My OCD was put to the test!! I didn't have as much time for my house. I found myself letting go of things that seemed so important at one time to me. I was spread thinner. So many people needed me and as much as I LOVED being a mom...it got really difficult. I HAD to let some things go. When I say my OCD was put to the test...I mean it!! I learned a LOT when baby three was born. And then baby 4 came.
I knew she would be our last. We were 100% sure that four was the number for us :) With my ODC under wraps a bit, and with a couple years getting used to my not being in control of everything, I relished in her first few months with us! I adored that baby!! I was so happy!!!
My parenting changed a LOT! It was really hard because it was my JOB. It was and is my main focus daily. And nightly ;) I read articles on subjects to hep me understand my children, to encourage my children and teach my children. BUT I wasn't the same mother I used to be. Sometimes we ate dinner late. I found myself letting my children kick and scream in a fit as I walked away. (There are only so many times you can try to calm that two year old before you realize they are making you crazy and you don't HAVE to watch that!) I realized I couldn't pay attention to EVERY fight my kids had and they actually had to figure it out on their own (gasp!). We were late for school sometimes. We pulled over for my kids to pee on the side of the road sometimes. I didn't always have them to bed on time, they wore braids in their hair a lot because guess what..I didn't have time to curl and perfect FOUR heads of hair. OH yeah...don't even think MINE would be getting done.
There were even times when we would get home late from an outing that we would throw a blanket on top of their perfectly crisp clean WHITE ruffle comforters and lay our stinky sweaty dirty precious sleeping babies on it to sleep. WHAAAAAAT!? Who did I become??
I had become the parent everyone at some point becomes.
I had let loose of what I used to be...which to this day sometimes makes me sad. Somedays I have major guilt that I am NOT the mother I used to be and that my children deserve better.
I wish my fourth daughter didn't have to listen to talk about crushes and mean girls and bad dreams other sisters had at the age of 4. That she didn't have to hear screaming fights between sisters. It breaks my heart in half when I remember her huge blue eyes staring up at my husband and daughters when they were fighting. I don't know if I'll ever get that picture our of my head.
But the truth is I CAN'T be the mom I used to be. I just can't.
I still teach them to read and spend time with them and nurture them and discipline them but its different. I still praise them to the end of the world. But guess what. There are now SIX different personalities in my home. Four daughters sure brings a LOT of opinions and ideas and attitudes. Being the strong woman I am, with a strong sense of how a parents should be treated and how a child should behave, they know I am the queen of the house...BUT they still try to push that. As any normal child would. ;)
I listen to a LOT of talk. but guess what...sometimes I am all talked out for the day and I send my girls to bed without having a long chat about their thoughts an feelings and concerns for the day (gasp again!).
Honestly, the mother I WAS and thought I would be has been pushed around and sometimes put on a shelf. My reality is that yes, I am a great mom. I do my best EVERYDAY. I really do. BUT I also have to literally SHOO my children away so I can pee in peace. I loose my cool and literally go to my room (or my car) and hide from my family when they have all gone bananas and are screaming for me to solve their every problem! I truly find myself excited some mornings when I walk in my door after dropping each child off at school. Because it is quiet. And peaceful. And I get to make it clean and stay in it for a couple hours like that!!
I LOVE the moments I have with my daughters. I love the conversations we have. I am so grateful that I am the most important person in their lives...as they are mine. I cherish our drives to school. The radio rarely gets turned on because that is our time to talk and build our relationships.
Being a mother is the most glorious thing I have ever done...and I am thankful everyday for it.
But I am learning it is okay to have changed and be different than when I started. And the mom I am now can't be too awful...because these are the people that love me the most...even through it all.
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